Resolve Collusion Tool, and why you can't win your workplace conflict

Why You can't "win" your workplace conflict, and how to end it instead

You have a "nemesis" at work. Maybe it’s the Operations Director who shoots down every idea. Maybe it’s a peer who constantly undermines you in emails.

You have tried everything. You’ve argued with them, you’ve ignored them, you’ve complained to HR about them.

But the dynamic never changes. In fact, it gets worse.

You think, “If they would just stop being so difficult, everything would be fine.” And guess what? They are thinking the exact same thing about you.

This isn’t just a "personality clash." It’s something deeper. At Arbinger, we call it a Collusion.

Collusion happens when two people mutually provoke the very behaviors they hate in each other to stay "justified" in their own bad behavior. You aren't just fighting; you are secretly cooperating to keep the fight alive.

If you want to get off the merry-go-round, you have to stop trying to "win" the argument. You have to break the cycle. You need the Resolve Collusion tool.

Send me the Resolve Collusion tool

The Resolve Collusion Tool

The Resolve Collusion tool is a diagnostic map. It allows you to see the hidden system driving your conflict. It moves you from "They are the problem" to "We are stuck in a trap, and I hold the key to getting out".

How to use it (step-by-step)

This is a deep-dive tool. Block out some time and be open to feeling uncomfortable.

Phase 1: Map the cycle (the diagnosis)

First, you need to see the cycle. Draw four quadrants.

1. They Do: List the behaviors they do that bother you. (e.g., "They micromanage me.") .
2. I See & Feel: How do you view them when they do that? (e.g., "They are a control freak. I am a victim.") .
3. I Do: What do you do in response? Be honest. (e.g., "I withdraw. I hide information. I talk about them behind their back.") .
4. They See & Feel: Here is the kicker. When you withdraw and hide information, how do they see you? (e.g., "They see me as untrustworthy and lazy.") .

The Epiphany: Look at your map. Do you see it? Your reaction (hiding info) gives them the proof they need to justify their action (micromanaging). You are creating the monster you are fighting.

Phase 2: De-Blame (the cure)

Now that you see the trap, you have to climb out. You do this by "de-blaming" the other person.

• Their Needs & Objectives: Stop looking at what they do. Look at what they want. What are their hopes, dreams, and fears? Maybe they micromanage because they are terrified of failing the client .
• My Impact: Ask yourself, "How have I made things harder for them?" Have you been fueling their fears?.
• Who They Would See: Imagine if you stopped playing the game. If you started communicating proactively, how would they see you? They wouldn’t see an "irresponsible employee" anymore. They would see a partner.

The Hard Truth

The hardest part of this tool is realizing that you love the conflict. Why? Because as long as they are the villain, you get to be the victim. You get to feel righteous. You get to feel "better than" them.

Giving up the conflict means giving up your justification. It means admitting you have been part of the problem. But it is the only way to get your peace of mind—and your productivity—back.

Why This Matters for Business

Collusion is the single biggest waste of emotional energy in corporate life. When leaders are in collusion, they make bad decisions to spite each other. They build redundant systems to avoid talking to each other. They force teams to pick sides.

Resolving collusion isn't just about "getting along." It's about stopping the bleeding of company resources into personal ego battles.

See it in action:

Frequently asked questions

Q: What if they are actually toxic/incompetent?

A: They might be. But your "colluding" behavior (blaming, withdrawing, attacking) isn't fixing them; it's giving them an excuse to stay that way. When you clean up your side of the street, one of two things happens: either they change because you stopped provoking them, or their incompetence becomes clearly visible to everyone because you are no longer the distraction.

Q: Do I do this tool with them?

A: Not at first. Do it alone. Get your own heart right. Only when you have moved from "blame" to "curiosity" should you approach them. At that point, you can say, "I realized I've been contributing to our friction, and I want to fix my part."

Q: How do I start the conversation?

A: Vulnerability is the skeleton key. "I was thinking about our relationship, and I realized I’ve been making your job harder by [X]. I’m sorry about that. I want to help you achieve [Y]. Can we reset?"