Goodbyes are never easy. When someone we love passes, we’re left with memories, many emotions, and the question of how to honor their life.

 

In those first few days when grief is most raw, it can be hard to imagine a way past the pain. Yet, something remarkable happens when we come together to honor a life well-lived. At their best, funerals aren't just ceremonies. They're a moment to pause, to remember, to laugh through tears, to celebrate—a bridge between sorrow and healing. Behind every meaningful farewell is a specialized team quietly orchestrating details, holding space for grief, and crafting experiences true to the person being honored.

 

Daren Forbes:

So many of us feel like we're called to funeral service. You get to be part of the change process that an individual goes through when they lose a loved one. And you think, I'm going to do everything I can. I'll make any sacrifice necessary to help this family...

 

But then the real world hits—and it’s Friday afternoon. A family walks in unscheduled, just as you’re about to get a rare weekend off after long days and emotional deposits. Suddenly, you’re irritated; you’re tired; you want to get away with your own family. You realize, wow, I'm a caregiver, but right now I'm frustrated and resenting this family—seeing them as inconvenient instead of seeing people in need.

 

McKinlay (host):

What Daren just admitted is something most of us don’t like to face—sometimes we resent the people we serve, at work or at home. At Arbinger, we name this as the difference between seeing people as objects and seeing them as people. It sounds simple, but even in caregiving, it’s surprisingly easy to slip into seeing others as tasks, obstacles, or tools when we’re exhausted or overwhelmed.

 

Whether you’re new or returning, today we’re diving deep into this shift—so we can stay connected to people as people, especially when we’re stretched thin or tired.

 

Daren Forbes:

I had a Friday afternoon coming up. A family came straight from the hospital—husband, parents, in-laws—his wife had passed away suddenly after giving birth to their fourth child. They walked in unannounced. I was thinking, There goes my weekend. This will be high maintenance. I’ll have to be available. There’s a lot of questions, interest, and it’s going to take away my time off. All of a sudden I’m thinking, All right, there goes my days off.

 

McKinlay (reflection):

What Daren shares is so relatable. Even if you love helping, sometimes you’re put in a situation when you feel empty and stretched beyond your limits. It isn’t helpful—but it’s honest.

 

Daren could recognize this mindset—he calls it “inward,” when he’s focused only on his own needs and goals, seeing others as interfering. But with an outward mindset, he sees his needs and challenges—and also those of the people around him.

 

Daren Forbes:

I recognized when they walked in I was going inward. I thought, I’ll never be able to care for this family unless I do so outwardly. Walking down the hallway, feeling resentment and defensiveness, I realized I had emotions setting me up for a poor relationship. But I didn’t need a 15-minute break or meditation. Just walking down the hallway, I could course-correct mentally.

 

McKinlay:

How did you make that pivot?

 

Daren:

I thought, I have one opportunity to care for this family—like landing a plane on an aircraft carrier, you get one shot. That’s something we talk about with our staff: if a family’s needs make you defensive or resentful, reframe it. Especially when you know you aren’t getting out of it—might as well do it well.

 

McKinlay (reflection):

Daren uses the word "correcting" to describe reframing his initial inward story. Not to make something up, but to expand his reality to include all involved. His original story—there goes my weekend, I’m tired, I have other plans—was true. But it was only his reality, ignoring the family’s. When he added, "This family’s in shock and pain, they just lost their wife, mother, and need me for support," something shifted. He didn’t need to fake gratitude or enthusiasm, but just seeing both realities enabled real connection.

 

Daren:

Let me tell you what happened with that family. They didn’t know what to do—they were hurting. We sat around the table, talking about her life. She was a piano teacher with 40 students and a grand piano at home.

We had a service where we brought the grand piano into the funeral home. The night before, we held a recital. Her casket at the front, all the students performed their pieces and then shared what their teacher meant to them. It was transformative. It changed the trajectory of that family’s life.

 

McKinlay:

That’s so beautiful, Daren. As a pianist myself, I can picture how meaningful that would be—there’s no way the family would have come up with that idea alone while in the shock of loss. And you wouldn’t have gotten there without moving outward, engaging fully with them.

 

Daren:

Our job is to tell the loved one’s story. If I don’t listen, I can’t help tell their story—and I’m not going to listen if I’m objectifying them.

 

If someone sent you this episode, thank them—they thought of you and your growth. And if you thought of someone while listening, share this episode with them.

 

McKinlay:

That inward mindset is sneaky; we don’t mean to objectify people, but have to work intentionally to keep our connection outward.

 

Like Daren, Dr. Steve Jackson has seen the danger of inwardness as a physician.

 

Dr. Steve Jackson (physician):

I was busy—patients inpatient and outpatient. I got paged: a new spinal cord injury, a family with questions. I was late to clinic, two patients waiting, my day thrown off, already stressed. I thought, "This can wait until tomorrow," but realized the team paged me for a reason—someone really needed me now.

 

When I arrived, the room was full—a family reunion. My mind rushed, "How long will this take?" But something shifted—slowly. I realized: This isn’t just a patient, this is a family, someone scared, someone hoping for help. Over 15-20 minutes, my mindset went from inward to outward.

To this day, I’m still friends with that patient and family—they made me part of their family. That day, I grew as a physician and as a person.

 

If I hadn’t changed, I’d have an inward mindset the next day too. As a doctor, when inward, you see patients as obstacles—and that looks, sounds, and feels ugly. It’s not just about you—it impairs your care for others, which means you’re not doing your job.

 

McKinlay:

It’s easy to justify an inward mindset—avoid thinking about its impacts. But when we shift, as Daren and Dr. Jackson did, we become more helpful, more human.

But as leaders, how do you make this a way of life for your team or your organization?

 

Daren Forbes:

We’re purposeful about our purposes:

 

First, make meaningful differences for the people we work with—our team.

 

Second, for the families we serve.

If we don’t care for our coworkers—seeing, supporting, acting on needs—we’ll never care well for families. When our teams share knowledge, support each other, check in on each other, we see less burnout, turnover, fatigue.

 

McKinlay:

It’s counterintuitive: taking care of coworkers first makes us better with our clients, because no one person can carry all the emotional load alone. Whole-team support is what makes difficult, heavy work sustainable.

 

Daren:

A few months ago, eight funeral homes we work with were so busy, teams barely knew each other. We brought everyone together, and now, with better relationships, people help and check in on each other, not just pass on tasks. That’s made the biggest difference in how they feel and how they serve.

 

McKinlay:

It’s not just about feeling good—it’s about sustainability, engagement, even business outcomes. I asked Daren: How do you balance intentional care with business realities?

 

Daren:

We bridge that gap by teaching: To continue serving, we must be financially secure. If we’re not, we can’t sustain the mission, even for three months. Many caregivers resist this, but we share openly: You need margin for mission.

 

Daren:

I believe my bigger call is to care for survivors, not just manage the physical remains. That’s hard in a culture that avoids dealing with loss head-on.

 

McKinlay:

Knowing how important outwardness is to your work, what’s the most critical skill you’ve developed?

 

Daren:

Curiosity. Sometimes I don’t feel sincerely interested. But if I choose to ask, to lean in—even before I truly want to—sincerity and willingness grow as the conversation unfolds.

 

McKinlay:

If you know you should do something, but you don’t want to, is it better to do it inwardly, or not at all? Dr. Jackson described this: even if your heart isn’t in it at first, you go—sometimes engaging is the only way to become more outward, more curious. Acting first, the mindset often follows.

 

McKinlay:

The more we practice catching ourselves when we’re inward, the quicker we’ll shift outward. This not only helps us personally—it helps everyone we serve and work with.

 

Leading Outward is produced by the Arbinger Institute. To transform your leaders and organization, schedule a strategy session at arbinger.com.

And whatever came to mind for you—conversation, feedback, action—don’t wait. Take that action: that’s how change starts.