Victoria Trammel spent nine months avoiding a correction conversation with a problem employee. The employee was yelling, cursing, slamming papers, throwing chairs into desks—all while serving as the first point of contact for prospective employees at a government agency. Victoria knew the behavior had to stop. She just couldn't figure out how to make it stop.
Then she learned to role-play the conversation with her Arbinger coach, Miriam. The first attempt went exactly as expected: Victoria enumerated the problematic behaviors, set clear expectations, asked for commitment. The employee deflected. Nothing changed. Classic swing and miss.
But when Miriam asked Victoria to try again—this time seeing the employee as someone whose career success mattered as much as her own—everything shifted. The employee opened up about a missed promotion, acknowledged her behavior was terrible, and offered to apologize to the team. Same leader, same employee, same facts. Completely different outcome.
This webinar walks federal leaders through diagnosing their own drama using Arbinger's collusion model—the destructive cycle where two parties unconsciously agree to mistreat each other so both can justify their bad behavior. Victoria shares her collision diagram in real-time: she saw the employee as a troublemaker, avoided her spectacularly (taking stairs instead of elevators, checking her online status before visiting the building), and actively undermined her to peers and even other program managers considering her for opportunities.
The costs were astronomical: stress, mental gymnastics, divided teams, damaged mission focus, potential turnover in a cleared environment where replacements take months and significant dollars.
The solution isn't behavioral prescription. Victoria introduces four levels of conflict work: management (go to your corners), resolution (agree to get along without valuing each other), transformation (one person shifts their mindset), and reconciliation (both parties see each other as people). Only the last two create lasting change because they address mindset, not just behavior.
Participants complete their own collusion diagrams, then flip to "de-blame" the conflict by identifying the other person's objectives, challenges, and hopes—and honestly assessing how they've made things harder. The session culminates in three questions designed to rebuild relationships: How does someone in my role affect your ability to do your work? How could a person in my role be most helpful? At what frequency would you like me to check in and stay accountable?
Victoria's story ends with three employees, three identical interventions, three different outcomes: one became a top performer, one left for a better-fitting opportunity on good terms, and one required referral to EAP and HR. All three started with seeing the person as a person.
Learning Objectives
- Diagnose existing conflicts using the collusion model to understand how both parties contribute to and sustain destructive cycles
- Distinguish between conflict management, resolution, transformation, and reconciliation to identify which level of intervention will create lasting change
- Apply the "de-blaming" process to shift from seeing others as objects (vehicles, obstacles, irrelevancies) to seeing them as people with needs, objectives, and challenges
- Use the Three Questions to rebuild relationships and establish ongoing accountability for impact on others
- Recognize personal red flags that indicate an inward mindset and develop practices for shifting back to outward in the moment
