Make Communications Safe. How to have the conversations you've been avoiding.

You know what you need to say. So why haven't you said it?

There's a conversation you've been putting off. Maybe it's feedback for a direct report whose work is slipping. Maybe it's a concern you need to raise with your manager. Maybe it's a boundary you need to set with a peer.

You know the conversation needs to happen. You've rehearsed it in the shower. You've drafted the email three times and deleted it. You've told yourself, "I'll bring it up next week."

But next week never comes.

And the longer you wait, the bigger the problem gets. The underperformer keeps underperforming. The frustration keeps building. The relationship keeps deteriorating. Eventually, you either explode in a way you regret or you give up and work around them, which solves nothing.

The problem isn't that you lack courage. It's that you're preparing the wrong way.

Most people prepare for difficult conversations by rehearsing what they want to say. They build their case. They gather their evidence. They plan their argument. And the moment they sit down, the other person gets defensive, the conversation derails, and both people walk away feeling worse.

Why? Because you prepared to deliver a message. You didn't prepare to make it safe for the other person to hear it.

If you want the conversation to actually change something, you need to shift your preparation from "How do I say this?" to "How do I make this safe for them to receive?" You need the Make Communication Safe tool.

Send me the Make Communication Safe Tool

The Make Communication Safe Tool

The Make Communication Safe tool is a pre-conversation preparation framework. It moves you from rehearsing your monologue to genuinely considering the other person—what they need to hear, what's making it hard for you to share, and what you can do to break through the barriers on both sides.

It's deceptively simple. Three questions on a page. But those three questions force a mindset shift that turns a confrontation into a conversation.

How to use it (step-by-step)

This is a preparation tool, not a script. Use it before any conversation where the stakes feel high and you're tempted to avoid, soften, or over-rehearse. Block out 10–15 minutes of honest reflection.

Step 1: Identify What Would Be Helpful for Them to Know

Start with the other person—not with your frustration, not with your talking points. Ask yourself: What would be genuinely helpful for this person to know? And then ask: How difficult will it be for them to hear, consider, or accept this?

This step reframes the entire conversation. You're no longer "giving someone a piece of your mind." You're offering them something useful. That distinction changes your tone, your posture, and your words before you even open your mouth.

Example: Instead of "I need to tell Marcus he's missing deadlines," you might write: "It would be helpful for Marcus to know that when he delivers late, two other teams are scrambling to adjust their timelines—and that I think he can fix this if he knows the downstream impact." Now notice how hard that might be for Marcus to hear. He might feel blindsided. He might feel attacked. That awareness is the whole point of Step 2.

Step 2: Identify Your Boxes

Here's where it gets uncomfortable. Ask yourself: Will this be difficult for me to share? If so, what boxes am I carrying that are making it hard?

A "box" is a self-deceptive pattern,  a way of seeing yourself and others that distorts reality. Maybe you're in a need-to-be-seen-as box where you want to be seen as likable, and you'd rather let the problem fester than risk someone being upset with you.

Your boxes don't just make the conversation harder;  they warp it. When you need to be seen as likable, you might soften the message so much that it loses all meaning. 

Name the box. That's how you loosen its grip.

Step 3: Break Through—Make It Easier to Say and to Hear

Now brainstorm: What can I do or say that would make this easier for me to share and for them to hear?

This is where preparation becomes transformation. You might realize you need to lead with what you appreciate about the person before raising the concern. You might decide to share your own contribution to the problem. You might choose to ask a question instead of making a statement.

Example: Instead of opening with "Your reports are always late," you might say: "I think I haven't done a great job communicating how your deliverables connect to the rest of the team. Can we talk about the timeline and how I can support you?"

That's not sugarcoating. That's taking responsibility for making the message land. And it works because people can hear almost anything when they feel safe.

See it in Action: