Focus on Facts, Why your feedback conversations fail.

Problem: We think we’re stating facts, but we’re actually telling stories

You need to talk to a team member about their performance. You prepare. You sit them down. You say, "You've been disengaged lately."

Immediately, the wall goes up. They get defensive. They argue. The meeting goes off the rails.

Why? Because "disengaged" isn't a fact. It’s an interpretation. It’s a story you’ve told yourself to explain their behavior. To them, it feels like an attack.

Most conflict in organizations doesn't come from what actually happened. It comes from the meaning we attach to what happened.

The Reality: Judgment triggers defensiveness

When we operate with an inward mindset, we see others as objects—as problems, obstacles, or irrelevancies. When they make a mistake, we don't just see the error; we see a character flaw.

• Fact: They missed the deadline.
• Interpretation: They don't care about this project.

If you lead the conversation with your interpretation ("You don't care"), you aren't solving a business problem. You are starting a fight.

Send me the Focus on Facts tool

The Solution: The Focus on Facts Tool

The Focus on Facts tool is a pre-meeting preparation guide. It forces you to surgically separate Reality (what a video camera would record) from Interpretation (the story you are telling yourself).

It is the fastest way to de-escalate a high-stakes conversation before it even begins.

How to use the tool

Do not skip this prep. Use the template before you walk into the room.

Step 1: List the behaviors (the camera test)

Write down exactly what the other person is doing that is causing the issue.

• Rule: If a video camera couldn't see it or hear it, you can't list it.
• Bad: "He was rude." (Interpretation)
• Good: "He interrupted me three times during the presentation." (Fact)

Step 2: Own your narrative (the "box" check)

Now, be honest about the story you’re telling yourself. How do you see them when they do these things?

• "I see him as arrogant."
• "I see her as lazy."
• "I see them as a roadblock."

This step doesn't make you right; it makes you self-aware. It helps you realize, "Oh, I’m judging them right now."

Step 3: Re-Humanize

Ask yourself: If I weren't in the box—if I weren't feeling defensive or superior—how might I see this differently?

• Maybe the "arrogant" interrupter is actually just passionate and lacks social awareness.
• Maybe the "lazy" employee who missed the deadline is actually overwhelmed or untrained.

Step 4: The conversation

When you finally talk to them, stick to Step 1.

• Don't say: "You need to stop being so rude in meetings."
• Do say: "In the last meeting, I noticed you interrupted me three times while I was speaking. I'd like to talk about how that impacts the team."

When you focus on the facts, you remove the accusation. It invites them to look at the data with you, rather than defending themselves against you.

The Outcome: From conflict to collaboration

When leaders use Focus on Facts, resistance drops.

• Clarity: You solve the actual behavior, not the "attitude."
• Safety: The employee feels respected, not attacked.
• Speed: You bypass the 20-minute argument about "intent" and get straight to the solution.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: What if they deny the facts?

A: This is why "the camera test" is so vital. It is very hard to deny specific, observable data (e.g., "The report was submitted at 5:00 PM on Tuesday"). If you stay vague ("You're always late"), they can and will deny it. Specificity creates accountability.

Q: Isn't this just "softening" the message?

A: No. It’s actually more direct. Telling someone they are "unprofessional" is vague feedback they can't act on. Telling someone "You arrived 15 minutes late to the client call" is a hard fact they must address. It’s not about being nice; it’s about being effective.

Q: Can I use this for email?

A: Yes. In fact, you should always use this before sending a "corrective" email. If you type out an email while you are "in the box" (angry, blaming), the recipient will feel the judgment even if you don't use "mean" words. Strip the interpretation out. Send the facts.