Why We Can't See the People Right in Front of Us

We move through our days surrounded by people — colleagues, partners, family members, friends — and yet somehow we miss them. Not because they're invisible. Not because we don't care. But because something has shifted in the way we see.

The Problem Isn't Inattention

We're tempted to blame distraction. We're busy. The to-do list is long. The notifications are endless. But busyness is a symptom, not the root cause.

The deeper issue is that our attention has turned inward, and it's not a neutral inward. It's a defensive one.

We're busy protecting our reputation. Justifying our choices. Managing how we come across. Rehearsing arguments. Nursing grievances. When we're in that mode, other people stop being people we see and start being players in a story we're telling about ourselves. They become obstacles, audiences, or threats.

This is what Arbinger calls self-deception, and it's more common than any of us like to admit.

What Self-Deception Actually Does to Our Vision

Self-deception doesn't announce itself. It doesn't feel like distortion — it feels like clarity. We become convinced we're seeing things as they really are, when in fact we're seeing a version of reality filtered through our own self-justifications.

The person who is overwhelmed at work isn't seen as overwhelmed;  they're seen as someone who doesn't pull their weight. The partner who is struggling isn't seen as struggling; they're seen as difficult. We've reduced people to the role they play in our narrative, and we've lost sight of who they actually are.

What we've lost, in short, is genuine outward vision.

A Counterintuitive Solution

The instinct is to try harder, to be more attentive, more empathetic, more present. But that kind of effort, when it starts from self-deception, tends to be performative. We're still focused on ourselves; we're just focused on how we're showing up.

Real change doesn't begin with effort. It begins with honesty.

It begins with asking: Am I seeing this person, or am I seeing a character in my own story? It begins with the willingness to acknowledge that the blurriness might be in us, not in them.

When we're willing to ask that question — sincerely — something shifts. The focus loosens. People come back into view. Not as problems to manage, but as human beings with real weight, complexity, and needs.

That's not a technique. It's a fundamentally different way of seeing.

A Different Kind of Clarity

The broken glasses in our minds aren't fixed by grinding harder lenses. They're fixed by recognizing we're wearing them at all.

If any of this feels familiar — if you suspect your vision of the people around you might be more inward-focused than you'd like — Leadership and Self-Deception is a good place to start. It's a short, story-driven read that has changed the way millions of people see themselves and the people around them.

Because the goal isn't just better relationships. It's becoming someone who actually sees.

Send me the sample chapters!

FAQ

Q: What exactly is self-deception, and how is it different from just being selfish?

A:  Selfishness is knowing you're prioritizing yourself and doing it anyway. Self-deception runs deeper — it's when you genuinely can't see that you're doing it. You believe you're being reasonable, fair, even generous, while the people around you are experiencing something very different. That gap between how we see ourselves and how we actually show up is what makes self-deception so hard to address. You can't fix what you can't see.

Q:  How do I know if self-deception is affecting how I see people in my life?

A: A useful starting question is: When I think about this person, am I focused on what they need — or on what they've done to me? If most of your mental energy goes toward building a case (against a coworker, a partner, a family member), that's a signal. Self-deception tends to show up as a quiet certainty that we're right and others are the problem.

Q: Is this something I can change on my own, or does it require outside help?

A: Awareness is a meaningful first step, and it's something you can begin on your own. But because self-deception is, by definition, a blind spot, most people find it helpful to have a framework or outside perspective. Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Institute was written precisely for this — it walks through the concept in a story format that makes the ideas easy to recognize in your own life.