In almost every organization, there is a "Cold War" happening somewhere.
Maybe it's between Sales and Operations. Maybe it's between the New York office and the London office.
The dynamic is always the same:
They are difficult.
They don't respect us.
Therefore, we are justified in protecting ourselves (and maybe making their lives a little harder).
We tell ourselves that we can't change until they change. We say, "It takes two to tango." We wait for them to extend the olive branch.
In an organizational conflict, waiting for the other side to change is a strategy for failure.
You don't need two people to end a war. You only need one person to put down their weapon.
The "Civil War" at Spandex
Let's look at a real-world example from one of our clients, Spandex, a global supplier to the graphics industry.
Spandex was locked in a bitter feud with a sister manufacturing division within the same parent company. It was ugly.
The "Enemy" Image: Spandex leaders saw the manufacturing division as incompetent and arrogant. The manufacturing division saw Spandex as demanding and ungrateful.
The Tactics: It went beyond bad attitudes. They started withholding critical information. Spandex wouldn't share market intelligence. Manufacturing wouldn't share product plans. It escalated to the point where they were actually feeding each other misinformation.
They were supposed to be on the same team, but they were acting like competitors. And the cost? Lost sales, wasted time, and a toxic culture that was eating into their profits.
Both sides felt completely justified. Both sides were waiting for the other to apologize.
The Turning Point: "The Problem Is Us"
When Arbinger started working with the Spandex leadership team, we didn't mediate the conflict. We didn't bring the two sides together to "hash it out."
Instead, we helped the Spandex leaders look in the mirror.
They realized something profound: They were inviting the very behavior they complained about.
By withholding information and treating the manufacturing division with disdain, Spandex was guaranteeing that the manufacturing division would be defensive and uncooperative. Spandex wasn't just a victim of the conflict; they were a creator of it.
The "One Right" Principle
This is where the magic happens.
We all know the phrase "Two wrongs don't make a right." But in the context of mindset, there is a corollary: One "right" is enough to change the equation.
Spandex decided to stop waiting. They didn't ask the manufacturing division to take a workshop. They didn't demand a truce. They simply shifted their mindset.
They started treating the manufacturing colleagues as people. They started sharing information proactively. They stopped blaming.
The Mirror Effect
What happened next proves the power of this approach.
When Spandex stopped attacking, the manufacturing division stopped defending. The hostility evaporated. The President of the sister division eventually called Rod Larson (Spandex’s CEO) and said:
"We don’t know what you’re doing over there, but whatever it is, it’s working."
The sister division began to reciprocate. Collaboration returned. Information flowed. And the business results followed.
They fixed a broken relationship not by fixing the other person, but by fixing the way they showed up.
How to End Your Own War Today
If you are locked in a feud with another department or leader, stop waiting for them to change. Try this instead:
Identify the "Enemy": Who are you currently blaming? Who do you feel justified in withholding help from?
Audit Your Provocation: Ask yourself, "How am I treating them? If I were treated that way, how would I react?" You will likely find you are provoking the exact resistance you hate.
Make the First Move: Do something helpful for them today. Share a piece of data they need. publicly credit their team for a win. Send an email that has no "edge" to it.
Sustain the Shift: They might be suspicious at first. That's okay. Keep operating with an outward mindset. Eventually, the law of reciprocity kicks in.
Learn more about what changed at Spandex
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Isn't this just letting them win?
A: No. Winning in business isn't about defeating your colleagues; it's about achieving results. If you "win" the argument but the company loses revenue because of the silo, you have actually lost. The Spandex team didn't lose dignity by turning outward; they gained influence and success.
Q: What if I change and they still act like jerks?
A: It's possible. But even if they don't change immediately, you become more effective. You stop wasting mental energy on resentment. You make better decisions because you aren't clouded by anger. And usually, over time, it is very hard to remain hostile toward someone who is consistently treating you with respect.
Q: Can I do this if I'm not the boss?
A: Absolutely. Mindset isn't a rank; it's a choice. You can change the dynamic with a peer, a direct report, or even your boss by changing how you view them. One person shifting to an outward mindset changes the "system" of the relationship instantly.
