We avoid feedback because we're afraid of how it will land
Most of us know when someone on our team needs feedback. We see the issue, we recognize what needs to change, and we have something genuinely helpful to offer. But we don't say anything.
Why? Because we're worried about how the other person will take it. If I give negative feedback, they might assume I don't like them. They might make assumptions about me—that I'm difficult, or critical, or not a team player. So instead of having a potentially uncomfortable conversation, we stay silent and hope the problem resolves itself.
This avoidance comes at a cost. The issue doesn't get addressed. The person doesn't get the input they need to improve. And over time, small problems become big ones—not because nobody noticed, but because nobody spoke up.
Feedback avoidance undermines the culture we're trying to build
Here's something that often gets overlooked: Our ability to give helpful feedback to each other is really at the root of creating genuine belonging. Not just feedback from supervisors to direct reports, but feedback between team members, feedback in meetings, feedback across the organization.
When feedback flows freely and constructively, people feel like they're actually part of the team. They're not left guessing about how they're doing or wondering if there's something nobody's telling them. When feedback is withheld, people feel excluded from the very information they need to succeed.
The irony is that we often avoid feedback because we think we're being kind. But withholding helpful information isn't kindness—it's a form of neglect. Real belonging means caring enough to tell people what they need to hear.
Ask how feedback works for them before you need to give it
There's a simple practice that can transform how feedback works on your team, and it happens before any feedback is actually needed. With anyone you're going to work with on a day-to-day basis, have this conversation upfront: "We're going to be working together. We're both going to be making mistakes. When I notice something that could be helpful, how would you like me to give you that feedback?"
This question does something powerful. It gives the person receiving feedback a chance to share meaningful details about what actually works for them—the circumstances, the timing, the framing that helps them hear and act on input rather than becoming defensive.
Some people prefer direct feedback in the moment. Others need time to process and would rather have a private conversation later. Some want specifics; others want the big picture first. When you know what works for someone, you're not guessing anymore—you're giving feedback in a way that's actually designed to land.
Feedback becomes something people welcome, not dread
When you follow through on giving feedback in the way someone has asked for it, something shifts. People feel seen and valued. They don't have to second-guess the feedback or wonder what you really meant by it. The anxiety on both sides—for the giver and the receiver—drops significantly.
This approach saves time because you're not dancing around issues or recovering from conversations that went sideways. It saves stress because you've already established the ground rules. And it builds trust because you've demonstrated that you care enough to give feedback in a way that actually helps.
Make feedback conversations happen before you need them
The invitation here is straightforward: Be specific in asking your team members or the people you supervise what appropriate feedback looks like for them. How does it work best? How can you, as their leader or colleague, give feedback in a way that helps you both overcome challenges together?
This isn't about making feedback comfortable—some feedback will always be hard to hear. It's about making feedback effective, and it starts with a conversation that treats the other person as someone worth understanding, not just someone who needs correcting.
Frequently asked questions
Q: What if someone says they don't want any feedback?
A: That's worth exploring further. Often, when someone resists feedback entirely, it's because past feedback has been delivered poorly—as criticism rather than help. You might say, "I hear that, and I want to respect your preference. Can you tell me more about what hasn't worked in the past?" That opens the door to understanding what they're actually resisting, which is usually not feedback itself but how it's been given.
Q: When is the right time to have this conversation?
A: Early is better—ideally when you first start working together, during onboarding, or at the beginning of a new project. The goal is to establish the norm before there's a specific issue to address. If you're having this conversation for the first time with someone you've worked with for years, that's fine too. Just be honest: "We've never talked about this, and I'd like to be better at giving you feedback that actually helps."
Q: Does this work for giving feedback to a supervisor?
A: Absolutely, and it might be even more important. Many leaders don't get honest feedback because people are afraid to give it. Asking your supervisor how they prefer to receive input signals that you're willing to share observations that could help them—and gives them a chance to create the conditions where that's possible. Most leaders, when asked thoughtfully, will appreciate the question.
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