Personal-Application & Group-Discussion Guide
This guide accompanies the “Leading Outward” episode featuring Gill, a senior leadership coach with Arbinger UK. Through raw honesty, she explores the traps of inwardness, the false safety of binary thinking, and the liberating practice of self-compassion. She provides a roadmap for leaders who want to see themselves and others more clearly. Use this guide to turn Gill's insights into your own by reflecting on them individually or as a team.
"Even if a pattern feels positive—like always rescuing others or needing to be the expert—it might just be protecting us from the fear of being exposed."
When we're inward, we cling to familiar patterns that make us feel safe, comfortable, and in control—even if they're unhelpful. These patterns—control, expertise, rescuing, or achievement—often mask a deep fear of being exposed.
Questions:
What patterns of "safety" do you rely on in your leadership or relationships?
How might those patterns keep you from seeing others clearly?
Where could you choose connection over control?
"As soon as I think my way is the only fair or right way, I make others wrong."
When inward, we focus on blame—of others, ourselves, or systems. Binary thinking (“right/wrong,” “good/bad," "winner/loser") is a red flag that we are inward. Even values that seem unquestionably good—like fairness—can become inward when they're used as rigid rules used to blame others rather than guides for connection.
Questions:
Where do you notice yourself stuck in "either/or” thinking?
How might binary labels be limiting your ability to see people as people?
How could you shift from blame to asking, “What is needed here?"
"My need to be the expert wasn't about helping others—it was about protecting me from being exposed."
Whether it's needing to appear competent, fair, strong, or special, these images distort our relationships and blind us to reality. We find ourselves spending our time trying to manage others' perception of us rather than truly connecting with them.
Questions:
What image of yourself do you work hardest to maintain?
How does that image influence the way you interact with others?
What might be possible if you let go of "needing to be seen as" that image?
"To see others clearly, I first have to see myself with compassion."
True self-compassion isn't ignoring flaws—it's acknowledging them without fear. By recognizing our humanity (strengths and shortcomings alike), we open the door to see the humanity of others as well.
Questions:
Where do you struggle to acknowledge your own flawed humanity?
How might accepting yourself more fully help you see others differently?
Questions:
What ideas or stories in this episode resonated with you most strongly, and why?
Did anything challenge your current assumptions or beliefs?
Invite each person to complete this sentence:
"Instead of clinging to _________________________________________________________
I commit to practicing curiosity and compassion by __________________________________________"