Personal-Application & Group-Discussion Guide
This guide accompanies the second “Leading Outward” episode featuring Jeremy, a military veteran turned VP of Construction, and his Arbinger coach, Chip. Through in-the-moment reflection, Jeremy unpacks the roadblocks keeping him from fully engaging as a leader. His story isn't just his—it’s a mirror for all of us. Use this guide to turn Jeremy's breakthroughs into your own by reflecting on the coaching insights individually or as a team.
"To the extent that you're focused on yourself and your image, it becomes really difficult to engage outwardly."
Jeremy carries years of military leadership into a company where tenure is prized over experience. Despite his efforts, Jeremy still feels like the "new guy." When we are inward, we often fixate on not feeling seen or valued instead of seeing and valuing those around us. As a result, we will disconnect—mentally, emotionally, and relationally.
Questions:
Where in your organization do you feel like an outsider?
What narratives are you telling yourself about why you aren't being included?
How might those narratives be shaping your behavior and reinforcing your exclusion?
"I might hold back because I don't want to look incompetent... but that's exactly when I should lean in."
Jeremy's deceptively simple confession shows how deeply image management can interfere with actual learning and connection. He realizes that his need to appear competent often stops him from learning what he needs to know in order to lead effectively. Without exception, trying to look competent will keep us from becoming competent.
Questions:
Are there situations where worry about what others will think if you ask questions or admit you don't know something interferes with your learning?
How does this fear manifest in the way you show up at work or in other situations?
What would shift if you saw ‘not knowing' in these situations as an opportunity—not a liability?
"If I sit back and wait for people to come to me, and they don’t—then I can use that as justification for not learning what I need to know."
Jeremy describes feeling left out of the “information superhighway,” receiving only snippets of vital information. Like Jeremy, our passive engagement might be a sophisticated way to find justification. If we wait to be included, we’ll stay uninformed, and that might be just what we want in order to be justified in not knowing what we need to know in order to lead and contribute fully.
Questions:
Are there conversations you’re passively waiting to be included in?
What would it look like to actively reach out, get curious, and earn trust by proactively seeking out those you need to learn from and coordinate with?
"It’s not what happened to me that defines me. It’s the meaning I give it. We disable ourselves when we use past experiences to excuse present disengagement."
Chip helps Jeremy trace his self-doubt back to a deeper fear: the belief that he’s not good enough—a belief that Jeremy believes may be rooted deeply in his past. Unexamined self-doubt quietly sabotages our leadership by distorting how we see ourselves and others. And while those self-doubts may have their origin in our experience, we can choose to use that experience to justify our own failure to show up in the present in the most helpful way.
Questions:
Where are you overcompensating in your leadership because of insecurity?
What “image” are you working hard to protect—and what would be possible without it?
What past experiences do you allow to define you?
"If I’m avoiding, that’s a red flag. That’s where I need to focus."
Jeremy identified a major pattern: when he avoids people or problems, it’s a signal that something deeper needs attention. Avoidance is a symptom, but the cause is usually fear, ego, or a need for justification.
Questions:
What or who are you currently avoiding in your leadership?
What might that avoidance be protecting? What is it costing?
"We can avoid responsibility for improving by telling ourselves that if I really am broken and powerless, then I’m not required to be better."
Chip helped Jeremy uncover how his justifications—"they don’t respect me," "I’m not part of the circle"—keep him from feeling his responsibility to learn, engage, and lead. The stories we tell ourselves to explain our inaction can feel true—but they often protect us from growth.
Questions:
What justification have you been using for not engaging fully in a relationship or responsibility?
What would change if you no longer used that story as an excuse?
"He’s not martyring himself—he’s just doing what outwardness dictates in this situation."
After their session, Jeremy applied what he learned. He missed a key communication with frontline leaders, owned the mistake, and restored trust—proactively and powerfully demonstrating that ownership builds more trust than perfection ever could.
Questions:
Think of a recent mistake. How did you respond? Did you own it, justify it, or hide it?
What’s a small ownership opportunity you’ve been avoiding that could repair trust?
"If I’m not willing to question where I’m wrong, I’m not after the truth. I’m after justification for staying where I’m at."
Jeremy’s turning point wasn’t a new technique—it was a shift in mindset. Curiosity is the way forward. We grow when we get curious about the very things we’d rather avoid when we are self-focused, and mired in an inward mindset.
Questions:
What situation or person are you currently tempted to dismiss, ignore, or control?
What question could you ask today that would shift your posture from control to curiosity?
Questions:
What moment from the episode stuck with you most deeply—and why?
Where do you see yourself in Jeremy's story?
Invite each person to complete this sentence:
"Instead of avoiding ________________________
I commit to getting curious instead by ________________________"
Share these commitments with the group and schedule a time to regroup to hold yourselves accountable regarding these commitments.