You know the feeling.
You have an employee who is missing the mark. Maybe they are late on deliverables. Maybe their attitude is toxic. You know you need to have "The Talk."
You prep your notes. You practice your "feedback sandwich." You sit them down and deliver the correction.
And... they shut down. They get defensive. They make excuses. Or worse, they nod along, promise to change, and then go right back to the old behavior next week.
Why is "correction" so hard?
Most leaders assume the problem is the script. They think, "If I just used the right words, they would get it."
But here is the deal: The problem isn't what you are saying. It's where you are standing when you say it.
At Arbinger, we use a framework called the Influence Pyramid to explain why typical change management fails.
Imagine a pyramid.
The very top tip of the pyramid is Correction. This is where we deal with things going wrong. It’s the disciplinary meeting. It’s the "performance improvement plan."
The rest of the pyramid (the massive base below the tip) is everything you do to help things go right.
Teaching & Communicating: Do they actually know what to do?
Listening & Learning: Do you understand their roadblocks?
Building Relationships: Do they trust you?
Your Way of Being: Are you seeing them as a person, or a problem?
Here is the mistake 90% of leaders make: We spend all our time at the top.
We ignore the relationship. We don't listen. We don't teach. And then, when things break, we rush straight to correction.
When you try to correct someone without a foundation of relationship and understanding, your feedback feels like an attack. And when humans are attacked, they defend. They don't learn.
The Influence Pyramid comes with a simple, unbreakable rule:
If you are failing at one level of the pyramid, the solution is always found at the level below it.
If you can’t Correct them... stop correcting. Step down a level and Teach. Maybe they don't have the skills.
If you can’t Teach them... (they aren't listening), stop talking. Step down a level and Listen. Why are they resistant? What is their reality?
If they won’t speak to you... Step down a level and Build the Relationship. Show them you see them as a person, not just a cog in the machine.
When we operate with an Inward Mindset (self-focused), we often view correction as punishment. We are annoyed. We want them to "shape up" so our life gets easier.
When we shift to an Outward Mindset, the definition of correction changes.
It is no longer about punishing them for being a problem. It becomes about supplying the accountability they are failing to supply for themselves.
Think about it. If you have an employee who isn't holding themselves accountable, they are stuck. They are failing. By stepping in to correct them—not with anger, but with clarity—you are actually serving them. You are helping them get back on track so they can succeed.
Next time you need to give hard feedback, do not start at the top. Run this diagnostic first:
1. Check Your Base Ask yourself: "Am I seeing this person as a problem to be fixed, or a person to be helped?" If you are frustrated, they will feel it. Get your mindset right first.
2. Audit the Relationship Have you invested enough in the "bank account" of trust to make a withdrawal? If you only talk to them when they screw up, you have no standing to correct them.
3. Listen Before You Speak Start the conversation with curiosity, not an indictment. "I’ve noticed X is happening. Can you help me understand what's going on from your perspective?"
4. Invite, Don't Indict When you do correct, frame it as an invitation to return to the standard. "I know you are capable of X, but right now we are seeing Y. What do you need from me to bridge that gap?"
Correction isn't something you do to people. It’s something you do with them.
Q: Does this mean I can never fire anyone?
A: No. Sometimes, after you have listened, taught, and built the relationship, it becomes clear they simply cannot or will not do the job. In that case, the "Outward" move is to help them find a role (likely outside your organization) where they can succeed. You can fire someone with dignity and respect.
Q: I don't have time to "build a relationship" with everyone. I just need them to do their job.
A: Think about how much time you are currently spending fixing their mistakes, re-doing their work, and venting about them to your peers. "Efficiency" that leads to rework isn't efficient. Investing time in the base of the pyramid prevents the fire drills at the top.
Q: What if they are just difficult people?
A: They might be. But the Influence Pyramid challenges us to ask: "Am I doing anything to provoke that difficulty?" often, what we call "difficult" is just someone reacting to being treated like an object. When you change your approach, you often find they weren't as "difficult" as you thought.